Honestly, my life has been an UTTER mess lately.
I've been doing a certificate program for C# Programming that ends in two Tuesdays from now, and I can always tell how bad my health is doing by how far behind in my homework assignments I am.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I did a single homework assignment since I started that collab project. I'm currently like 3 assignments behind (well, I finished one and am MOSTLY done with the second, but our teacher wants us to like, document our assignments and write blog posts for them, which for some reason makes the assignment feel 400% harder for me because I have to actually WRITE ABOUT IT, not just DO IT o___o; So I haven't actually posted them because I've really been dragging my feet on the blogging thing... ) and...
Well, I have a mantra of "I can tell how bad my health is doing by how far behind I am on my assignments".
These certificates I do are three quarter programs.
This first quarter, I did fine.
Second quarter, I was almost always a week behind, not even starting the next assignment until the day before it's due, or often the same day.
This third quarter? Starting assignments after they're due. There's only 6 assignments and then a final in this quarter, and I finished the first the day the second was due, and I finished the second and third when the third was due. It's like... my ability to actually sit down and DO IT is dwindling, and I'm actually seeing a decline on a quarter-to-quarter basis, and it seems to just be getting exponentially worse this quarter.
Combined with the knowledge that I was informed I would have to dogsit for my sister at the beginning of this month (June) because she had to leave for a 10-day trip only 4 days after getting a new puppy, it was a bit of weight looming over me.
Now, There was this project last month that asked me to collab with, and I was definitely looking forward to it. Just... I'm kinda surprised (though I shouldn't be) at the delays. As my health got worse, my ability to do anything at all got worse, be it homework OR art stuffs.
I admit, the third pic in the sequence was really killing me. When I first started working on it, just NOTHING seemed to work for me, and I was kind of beating myself up too hard because I felt like my stress was at a level that I just couldn't draw right any more -- or at least not to my satisfaction, and I'm somewhat of a perfectionist for my own art and characters.
I've noticed a definite trend: "As stress goes up, my energy levels go down." "If too many things demand my attention, my ability to do ANY of them goes down" "If I have too many things that I need to do, and no energy to do any of them, I get into this horrible stand-still where I am left paralyzed, unable to do anything at all."
But I tried to force myself, and as I started to get a little bit of progress on the pic, I was dropped with a "bomb" by my sister: "It's next week that she wants me to watch the dog, and I leave for a 3-day weekend in a day, and then I will only have a single day to myself before I have to leave to take care of her dog". So my freetime was basically shot, and in terms of "packing for a trip", I am a VERY slow-moving person.
And I still had that damned homework to do.
On Tuesday when I had to drive up to spend an afternoon getting acquainted with the house I would watch, I finally just said "fuck it" and acknowledged that I wouldn't be able to go to class for my Tuesday class, and acknowledged that I wouldn't be able to work on that pic that day either.
So I played "stress triage" and decided to focus ONLY on putting my stuff together and then driving the two hours to my sister's place for the next week and a half.
...And once I actually got there...?
The puppy was cute, as expected.
But she got me up early each morning, and me being a night person, I only got 4 hours of sleep each night, for the most part.
Between all the biting (and waking up by a puppy threatening to chew me with her sharp teeth) and all the maintenance and all of everything else, I felt myself falling apart a little more each day.
My sister was always the healthy one. To ask me, the sickly one, to sacrifice even more of my health so she could go on a trip, honestly I think it was kind of a MAJOR dick move to make, as my health was already in the middle of falling apart before all that.
Each day was literally just survival. Survival and adjusting to a puppy's routine. And all the pictures my sister wanted me to text her. I've never been a photo person (i don't consider myself photogenic, and actually think I look FAR worse in... well, just about any version of me except what I see in the mirror ) but I think she beat into me an ability to spot the random cute things her puppy does.
So... yeah. With all that chaos going on, it's easy to forget that I had anything else I was doing prior to that mess.
There was still that collab. I always felt in some weird way like the collab was more urgent to do than my homework, despite me not having the energy to do it anyway...
So my sister came back from her trip on Monday (instead of today) because the weather sucked and she really just wanted to be with her puppy.
I, honestly, was kind of relieved at her return, because I thought maybe I could get a real night sleep for once.
...But no, for some sick reason, my body had adjusted itself to continue waking on the puppy's schedule, so my sleep was STILL fucked up, seemingly no matter what I did.
So this last week (since Tuesday?) has been me trying to recover from all that mess.
I got some nice homework in. I've even done some sketching for the pic.
But fuck... I don't remember art supposing to be this hard... D: I think I put WAAAAAAAY too much pressure on myself.
I certainly hope the project's not cancelled. I certainly can't fault for never wanting to work with me again if that's his sentiment.
This's been an extremely fucked up time for me, and I wanted to catch everyone up on what's been going on.